Happy Birthday to Me. Yeah, that's right. I turn five today. Or turned. As of 2:10 a.m. EST, I was born in Salem Massachusetts long, long ago. Forty one years ago. And as I was recently taught by friends to reckon it: 4 + 1 = 5. So I am five.
This is where Rick McKinney begins and Jigglebox ends. Or Gonzo ends and mayhem begins. Or, something like that.
Half of everyone I have ever met has aspired to my occupation. I remember the day when I used to boldly claim "I AM WRITER!" just to hear myself say it and hope it be true. Well, now I really am a writer, a paid professional all that. However, I'm now ever more the mental case for having "made it" yet not made it because I find myself buried beneath a slush pile now exponentially increased in size, an avalanche of "authorism" disheartening to behold. Now, ever since some cyberdingdong put together the words "web" and "log," the ENTIRE OTHER HALF of the world's population has jumped on the blogwagon.
Now, if the Internet is anything to believe..
EVERYONE IS A WRITER!
Well, congratulations to you all. I commend you and applaud you and invite you all to toss your dime store mortarboards in the air! Whoo-hooo!
Pay no attention to the man kicking you in the groin whilst your heads are tossed back in graduated glee. It's just me, getting my just desserts. It's only fair. After all, you've all put me out of business, haven't you? If EVERYONE IS A WRITER now, ipso facto ergo blah blah, I AM OUT OF A JOB!
Thank you very little, world. If I had the time, I line you all up to kiss my ass and have my assistant pass out cookies. Oh, wait! I no longer have an assistant because I AM OUT OF A JOB!
Today is MY BIRTHDAY and this is MY PARTY and I'm pulling Jigglebox.com OFF THE AIR for the day to enunciate my sincere loathing for every Tom, Dick and CyberJane who think they can write BETTER than me or BE a writer INSTANTLY, JUST ADD BLOGGER! (Excepting of course ALL of MY friends and anyone blogging who can ACTUALLY write:-))
So suck this and Jiggle me that. I'm off to the October 27th, 2007 "End The War Now!" rally in San Francisco today.
My good buddy Tom Kennedy and I will no doubt run into ole George W and Tiny Dick C, have a little tea with the boys, work things out, you know. And when we've solved the Pentagon's penchant for whaling on small nations full of darkies, I'm gonna see if I can't get my exec & chief and his homies to toss me a special 41th birthday present. Should be a cinch with all these new anti-terrorist laws in effect and such. I'm not gonna ask for much, just the illegalization of FREE SPEECH FOR IDIOTS from the OLE WWW! The World Wide Web, cleansed of idiot banter once and for all so that WE, THE ELITE AND WELL-HUNG, er, TRAINED WRITERS may again practice our craft without sharing headline space with trailer trash with double digit I.Q.s. Right.
This is Jigglebox.com. We rule and you know it. If you don't, again I say, it's my party and...
RSM Lord Duke
[Postscript 11-27]: Have a sense of HUMOR my dears! I certainly have to! With all the rejection I've dealt with in over two decades at this gig, rejection from agents who shitcan my queries unread because I'M A NOBODY, I'd be dead if I couldn't laugh. Or make fun. Which is mostly what this entry was. A silly tantrum rich with scowling, pouting, its-my-birthday sarcasm. Now, be of good cheer, you sensitive & sincere. As they say, the cream will rise to the top. If you're not one of the aforementioned idiots, then you've nothing to be worried or offended about! Love ya;-)
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